Blonde Logic

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. This week, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and that I hadn't paid for the windows.

Hellloooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year...namely, that in "ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!"

Helllooooo? It's been a year, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up...and he didn't call back.


Guess I won that stupid argument.

Need a day off

A  FEW  DAYS  OFF
 
 
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss
would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I
acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
 
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the
boss would think I was "CRAZY" and! give me a few days off.
 
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked
"What are you doing ?"

I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
 
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
 
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the boss asked her,
"..And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too.  I can't work in the dark!"

Different Standards

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at
the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into
Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship
that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The
teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him
through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a
little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him,
the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500."
"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Test....

Watch this until Sylvester catches Tweety... (Wait for it…it's worth it...) Then scroll down...






























This was an idiot test. How long did you watch?

0-2 seconds - There's hope for you
2-5 seconds - Having a bad day?
5-10 seconds - Are you maybe just a slow reader?
10-20 seconds - Remedial classes are nothing to be ashamed of
20-30 seconds - It is recommended that you don't breed
30 sec-1 min - Management material
1-2 min - The equivalent of the average house plant
2-5 min - Good afternoon Mr. Fudd
5 min-1 hr - Dead people score in this range
1hr plus - Congratulations. You have a negative IQ. To find out what your prize is, watch Bugs until he finishes his carrot...

The Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him out of
ten million bucks.  His bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an
occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first
place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able
to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing
$10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign
language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10
million bucks is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know
what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He
says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney
signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell
him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in
Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney
replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

"Redneck" Etiquette

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

DINING OUT

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor...as the restaurant may
not have dogs.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his
manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private....using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However,
if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook.....especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive! Let her know you're interested: Write "I've been wanting
to go out with you for two years now." on the local gas station bathroom
wall.

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
never.

4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance... such as,
"you sure don't sweat much."

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least; rent a tux. A leisure suit, with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt, can create too sporty of a look.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.

5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.

2. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

3. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer.

4. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle....especially when driving.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

THE MAIN REASON WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER

All the DNA is the same.

Logic puzzle

Scenario:

You are travelling in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
double decker bus and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at
the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground
level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the
same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Scroll down for the answer.

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Answer:

Get off the children's Merry Go Round. You're hammered.

Today's Joke: Names

A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep
for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer
pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother
came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks
the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew. "

Ba-dum-bump!

Police Comments

The following 13 Police Comments were taken from
actual police car videos around the country:

#13 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're
new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#12 "You take your hands off the car, and I'll make
your birth certificate a worthless document."

#11 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#10 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know,
that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#9 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I
guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#8 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. 

Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#7 "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning
you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#6 "The answer to this last question will determine
whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#5 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a
place where you go to ride on rides and eat cotton candy."

#4 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas 

but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours.
At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And....................THE BEST ONE!!

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
You're right, we don't..... Sign here.

Advice for Inner Peace!!

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all
could use a little more calmness in our lives. By following the simple
advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the
things you've started and never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished, and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle
of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Baileys Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a
package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of
the cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel !! -- burp. -- 'scuse me. 

Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peas.

BBQ grill

It’s true! You can get a free BBQ grill from any of the following stores:
A&P
Albertsons
Costco
Food Lion
Fry's
Kroger
Meijer
Publix
Safeway
Target
Wal-Mart
Winn-Dixie

I especially like the higher shelf which can be used for keeping things warm!

Groaners!

Oh my, these are bad!!!

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you  but
don't start anything."

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve
food in here."

6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."

8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Doc says, "It's Not
Unusual."

10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said
Dolly.  "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed; is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look
at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?  Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
high."

15. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

18. Polish joke: A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of
Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an Eye Test.
The optician shows him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'.
"Can you read this?", the optician asks.
"Read it?" the Polish man replies, "I know the guy."

WHY PARENTS DRINK!!!!

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,

"Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message,
the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home,
the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME."

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Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

I Owe My Mother

Too Funny.... Yet Very True!


I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS .
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Observations

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.

ZERO GRAVITY
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass, underwater, and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked all her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

A CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and Hell, we're not using it anymore!

One Question IQ Test

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer....................

Scroll down

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He opens his mouth and says, "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses."

If you got this wrong, please get to work. It's going to be a long, hard day.

Senior Moments

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."



When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big s___ he always was."



An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."



A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"



When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." 
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon." 
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." 
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" 
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"



Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought , but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"



THE SENILITY PRAYER Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.



Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10 .
oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!


Then something is supposed to happen . . . I think.

Random Thoughts

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
* * * *
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

* * * *
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy it's replacement.
* * * *
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
* * * *
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
* * * *
Life is sexually transmitted.
* * * *
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
* * * *
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
* * * *
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
* * * *
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
* * * *
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Internet and he won't bother you for weeks.

* * * *
Some people are like Slinkies . . .. not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

* * * *
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
* * * *
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean 1 person enjoys it?
* * * *
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
* * * *
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
* * * *
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
* * * *
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
* * * *
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
* * * *
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
* * * *
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
You read about all these terrorists; most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration!!!

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Thought for the Day
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
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To all you OWLS

Wisdom from Grandpa .......


Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'.
No wife of mine is gonna work."

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment,
only when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth.... Remember about Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.


Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing.

Getting Older

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old .. as long as she buys him a
few drinks first. .......

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as
it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose -- some parts of my body are
just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we
get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs.
The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age... But they
haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child
playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up.

More Thoughts for the day

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the heck alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaking tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them
you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

14. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

15. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

18. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt.... Then things get worse.

25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday
..........around age 11.

29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

30. THE MOST WASTED DAY OF ALL IS ONE IN WHICH WE HAVE NOT LAUGHED!
 

Updated Employee Handbook

DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Overweight people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

THE MANAGEMENT

typoglycemia

Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not,
you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I
was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig
to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer
inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are; the olny iprmoatnt
tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos
not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig, huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was
ipmorantt!

I've Learned.....

...That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

...That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

...That money doesn't buy class.

...That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

...That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

...That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

...That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

...That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

...That love, not time, heals all wounds.

...That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

...That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

...That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

...That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

...That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

...That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

...That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

...That I wish I could have told those I cared about that I love them one more time before they passed away.

...That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

...That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

...That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

...That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

...That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

...That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.

...That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Damn Good Point!

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf / sailing / ballooning / motorcycling / rock climbing?"
"No I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"
"No," I said. "I have never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a sh_t if you live to be 80?"

Office Terrorists

Recently we have received credible intelligence that there have been seven terrorists working in your office. Fortunately, six of the seven have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Behind-Kissin have all been taken into custody.At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh cell member, Bin Workin, has been found at your office.We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time.

Smart Rednecks

Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hiding
marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Virgil's house. They search
the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece
of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. The
phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they split your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, buddy"

Who says rednecks ain't real bright?

Smart Dog

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost.

Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "Uh-oh, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's
going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says.....................

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

MORAL: SOMETIMES BULLSHIT AND BRILLIANCE ARE THE SAME

Nebraska jokes

The owner of a golf course in Hazard was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Nebraska and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."


==============================================================

A group of Nebraska friends, hunting in Nebraska went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!


===========================================================


Regarding the year 2000, a senior at the University of Nebraska was overheard saying "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in "Nebraska." When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.


============================================================================

The young Nebraskan came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Elmer, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Elmer replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young Nebraskan answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."


===========================================================================

NEWS FLASH! - Kearney, NE.----- Nebraska worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two local U of N college students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today in Kearney. Kearney Volunteer Fire Department search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

Ain't Life Funny

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Don said, "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John, " his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

Friendship poem

Around the corner I have a friend,

In this great city that has no end,

Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.

And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,

He knows I like him just as well,

As in the days when I rang his bell.

And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.

Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.

"Tomorrow" I say! "I will call on Jim
Just to show that I'm thinking of him."

But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes, 
And distance between us grows and grows.

Around the corner, yet miles away, 
"Here's a telegram sir," "Jim died today."

And that's what we get and deserve in the end. 
Around the corner, a vanished friend.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember to always say what you mean. 
If you love someone, tell them.
Don't be afraid to express yourself. 
Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you.
Because when you decide that it is the right time
it might be too late.
Seize the day. Never have regrets.
And most importantly, stay close to your friends
and family, for they have helped
make you the person that you are today. 

Deathbed Confession

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a
candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile
hand, tears running down her face.

Her praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up
and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling" he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice,
"I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess,"replied the weeping
Becky, "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept
with your sister, your best friend, her best friend,
and your mother!"

"I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the poison
work."

Cost of Health Care

Sometimes it's hard to tell the HMO's from non-HMO's

Mr.Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test
results. The insurance clerk says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but
there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem.
When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the
samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent at the same time
and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, the
situation is either bad or terrible!"

"What do you mean?"

Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell
which is your wife."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO and they won't pay for
these expensive tests more than once in a year, so we can't
repeat the test until next year."

Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off on the
outskirts of town.......
If she remembers the way home, don't sleep with her."

Bumper Stickers

BUMPER STICKERS YOU PROBABLY MISSED BECAUSE YOU WERE DRIVING TOO FAST.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Constipated People Don't Give A crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed
Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My
Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ax Me About Ebonics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Body! By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heart Attacks God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THE GREATEST BUMPER STICKER EVER :


"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED,

AND FOR THE SAME REASON"

Christian One-liners

Don't let your worries get the best of you.  Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

Peace starts with a smile.

I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges

Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

He who angers you, controls you!

If God is your Copilot - swap seats!

Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

We don't change the message, the message changes us.

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to ........ discourage him.

Ar-Kansas jokes

A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his
beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How can you tell if an Arkansas redneck is married? There's dried
tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in
Arkansas to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high
schools.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? Documentaries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it had been
invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to
the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery?
(Come'on this is funny!) The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million
years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep, Pert near
took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss, too. Both

books-- poof! up in flames, and they hadn't even finished coloring one of
them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new law was recently passed in Arkansas . . . When a couple
gets divorced they are STILL cousins.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the scene of the accident a trooper asked the Arkansas driver what
gear he was in at the moment of impact. He replied, "tractor hat and
camouflage hunting outfit"
~~~~~~~
Folks in Arkansas now go to movies in groups of 18. They were
told "17 and under are not admitted."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Arkansas man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is
pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?", the doctor asked.
"No ya dummy" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

Thoughts for the Day

(1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!

(2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

(3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

(4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

(5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

(6) Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

(7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

(8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

(9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

(10) I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

(11) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

(12) NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
medicine.

(13) God must love stupid people; He made so many.

(14) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

(15) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

(16) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

(17) Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

(18) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

(19) Procrastinate Now!

(20) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

(21) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

(22) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

(23) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

(24) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

(25) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

(26) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

(27) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
for a pig.

(28) The trouble with life is there's no background music.

(29) The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

The difference between rich and poor

One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
"Oh yeah," said the son.
"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered: "I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."
The boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."

Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Pass this on to friends and acquaintances and help them refresh their perspective and appreciation. "Life is too short and friends are too few."

Restroom signs

Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE


Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC


If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC


Remember, it's not,
"How high are you?"
it's, "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia



Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO


No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC


At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ


It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, AZ


Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT


If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York, New York.


If pro is opposite of con,
then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom
House of Representatives, Washington, DC


Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ


You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.


No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA


A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

Ole turns 21

Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk
across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat
out to the middle of the lake.

Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!

Sven just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across
the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather
and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July".

Jeff Foxworthy on Minnesota

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18
inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim
by, you might live in Minnesota.
If you're proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each
year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you
might live in Minnesota.
If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy", you
might live in Minnesota.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you
might live in Minnesota.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there,
you might live in Minnesota.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his
forehead, you might live in Minnesota.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in
Minnesota.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in
Minnesota.
If you know how to say Wayzata, Mahtomedi, Edina and Shakopee, you might
live in Minnesota.
If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in
Minnesota.

You might be a Minnesotan if:
"Vacation" means going up north past Brainerd for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard,
without flinching.
You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.
You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use
them.
There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm at
any given time.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with
snow.
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road
construction.
You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
You consider Minneapolis exotic.
Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your
blue spruce.
Down South to you means Iowa.
A brat is something you eat.
You go out to fish fry every Friday.
You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your
Minnesota friends.

DWI

Reading him his Miranda Rights, a female police officer arrested a man for

drunk driving. "Sir, you have the right to remain silent," the female

officer tells the man. "Anything you say can and will be held against you."




The drunk smiles and replies, "Boobs."

Two little kids.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born...Couldn't walk for a year."

Athletes as "roll" models

Pearls of Wisdom from Superstar Athletes:

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
..........................................................
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
..........................................................
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
...........................................................
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
..........................................................
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann,1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
..........................................................
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)
..........................................................
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.."
...........................................................
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
..........................................................
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
...........................................................
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
..........................................................
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's having a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
...........................................................
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
..........................................................
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
...........................................................
Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too darn ugly to kiss good-bye." (Dead man walkin')

Things to think and laugh about

1. Now that food has replaced s_x in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said, "Implants?"
She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Sh_thead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Da_n...that was fun!"

19. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

21. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

22. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

23. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

24. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

25. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

26. Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

27. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

29. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

30. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Shopping

A Russian woman married an English gentleman and they lived happily ever after in London. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request and, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

The next day she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

The 3rd day the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down)













What were you thinking?


Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

Now get back to work.........

POSTED AT A GOLF CLUB

POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB!
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.


Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

Miracle

One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?"

"Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

Mathematical Formula

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BullshiT and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.