Charlie Sheen v Muammar Gaddafi: whose line is it anyway?

Great Britain’s The Guardian has a quiz listing some choice lines made recently by Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi and Hollywood actor Charlie Sheen.  Can you distinguish between them?

(1) I have defeated this earthworm with my words – imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists.

(2) Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.

(3) Life without dignity is worthless.

(4) I’m extremely old-fashioned, I’m a nobleman, I’m chivalrous.

(5) I am like the Queen of England.

(6) I am much bigger than any rank, for those who are talking about rank, I am a fighter.

(7) Every great movement begins with one man.

(8) These resentments, they are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my sabre.

(9) I woke up at 4am, before dawn. You should be asleep. You’re all tired after a sleepless night.

(10) The US commission report on 9/11 was ‘an absolute fairytale, a complete work of fiction’

To take the quiz, click here.

One fictional man's futile search for work

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6 am.
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking,
He shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG)
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA),
Designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE)
And tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA)
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA)
He sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he
could spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA)
He got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY)
Filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia)
And continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day and after
Checking his computer (made in MALAYSIA), John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL),
Poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE)
And turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA),
And then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA
AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT MADE IN KENYA.
From The Political Commentator, written by Michael Haltman

Daffynition

What do you call a pachyderm who plies you with twisted flattery?
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Answer: A sickophant

Stupidest jokes ever

"What's green with wheels? Grass. We lied about the wheels part."
"How are a mole and a nickel alike? They both live underground, except
the nickel."
"A duck walks into a bar. The bartender asks 'What would you like?' The
duck doesn't say anything, because ducks can't talk."
"A man walks ...into a bar. But it's the hard, metal type, so it hurt."
"what did one lawyer say to the other lawyer? we are both lawyers"
"How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her"
"roses are red,
violets are blue,
...i have a gun, get in the van"

Pippi Longstocking -- "You and I are a lot alike. We're both ugly. Except me."

Creation Story

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated
the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy
lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!"  And Woman said, "And as long as you're at it, add some
sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure
that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat,
and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to
size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the
side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained
more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food
Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it
"Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose
those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man
would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent
double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"
And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.



Thought for the day ......

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely
no recollection of what to do with them. If you don't send this to five
old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the
world.

Amateur Archaeologist

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in
Newport, RI, named Scott Williams who digs things out of his
backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute,
labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual
archaeological finds. This guy really exists and does this in his
spare time! Anyway... here's the actual response from the
Smithsonian Institution.

______________
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Mr. Williams:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9- mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator-Antiquities

Minnesota Truck Driver

As a Minnesota trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. See jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Jerry, it's winter in Minnesota, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"