"Festivus for the rest of us"

'Seinfeld' Spurs Festivus Pole Sales (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

Festivus pole has a "very high strength-to-weight ratio."

By DINESH RAMDE

MILWAUKEE Dec 21, 2006 (AP)— Kevin Campanella hates buying and receiving Christmas presents that he says inevitably disappoint. This year, no such worries.

Campanella plans to seek "serenity now" by celebrating Festivus, a wacky holiday popularized in a 1997 "Seinfeld" episode.>>>

'Mary' Christmas :-)

Their Real Name Is Christmas
By DORIE TURNER

GAINESVILLE, Ga. Dec 21, 2006 (AP)— Don't bother making jokes. This family has heard them all. No, they don't communicate directly with Santa Claus. They don't celebrate the holidays year-round, and they certainly have some not-so-cheerful days. The smirks and the wisecracks are just part of life when your last name is Christmas, and especially so when two of your family members are named no joke Mary. story

No nursing home for me

No Nursing Home for Me

A few  years ago my husband and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room.  I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady.  I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but
he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price
of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1.   Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2.   I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have
breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).

3.   Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4.   They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5.   They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to
help you.

6.   I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7.   T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8.   Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9.   If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.


Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name
where you want to go?

Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
 

PS: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side - No charge.

Diet anyone?

 I used to have a Labrador retriever, and I was buying a large bag of
 Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
 A woman behind me asked if I had a dog(?)...  (here's your sign)...

 On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
 although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
 time, but  that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
 care ward with tubes coming out of most my orifices and IVs in both arms.
 I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, that the way that
 it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
 one or two every time you feel hungry, and that the food is nutritionally
 complete... so I was  going to try it again.

 I have to mention here that practically
 everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story,  particularly
 a guy who was behind her.

 Horrified, she asked if I had been poisoned by the food and that is why
 I ended up in the hospital.  I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car
 hit me.

 I thought the checkout guy was going to die on the spot.

The Rummy Show ;-)

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My wife and I are happily married, but the
spark seems to have gone out of our sex life. How can we spice it
up? -Harry Blumenthal, Bakersfield, California

Secretary Rumsfeld: There's no great mystery here, Harry. It can't be
that hard to understand. You get in there, you do your job, you develop
an exit strategy, and you get the heck out of there. That's the way sex
works. Why does everything have to be so difficult?

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My wife wants me to talk dirty when we make
love, but I've never been able to do it. Any advice? -Joel Brennan,
Syracuse, New York

Secretary Rumsfeld: Listen, anybody that can talk clean can talk dirty.
Dirty talk is just like normal talk, except dirty. Your wife wants dirty
talk, so give her dirty talk. Something like, "Those breasts are
first-rate," or "I am going to give you a darned good orgasm," or, if
she likes the rough stuff, "I'll tell you this, I am about to give you
the business and I don't want to hear any guff about it."

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: I keep reading about something called the
G-spot, but I can't seem to find it. Can you tell me where it
is? -Elizabeth Kaplan, Tacoma, Washington

Secretary Rumsfeld: I could tell you. But I'm not inclined to.

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: I'm thinking about trying a threesome, but I
don't know how to approach my girlfriend about it. Have you ever tried a
threesome? -Dave Barcott, Boulder, Colorado

Secretary Rumsfeld: Nice try, Dave. I can see what you're trying to do,
but you're going to have to do better than that. Donald Rumsfeld is not
going to be tricked into revealing something stupid about Donald
Rumsfeld and Mrs. Donald Rumsfeld by such a question. If I answer, then
someone will say, "Oh, goodness, the Rumsfelds are into threesomes," and
then it gets repeated and picked up, and then suddenly everybody's
talking about Donald Rumsfeld and Mrs. Donald Rumsfeld and threesomes,
and that's not what this is about. That said, bring it up in a very
loving way and let her choose the third party. Also, alcohol never
hurts.

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: If you have sex in a hot tub, can you get
pregnant? -Molly Chaplan, Toledo, Ohio

Secretary Rumsfeld: Good gosh. Okay, yes, yes, you can get pregnant from
having sex in a hot tub. In fact, you can't not get pregnant from having
sex in a hot tub, nor can you get pregnant without having sex in a hot
tub. I hope I've answered your question, Molly.

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My husband has a problem with premature
ejaculation. Is there something I could do to make him last
longer? -Ellen Shapiro, Knoxville, Tennessee

Secretary Rumsfeld: I'm just going to say this once. There is no such
thing as premature ejaculation. There is ejaculation, and there is
non-ejaculation. If your husband is ejaculating, then count your
blessings. Congratulations, you just had sex. That's what men do-they
ejaculate. All this business about, "Oh, henny penny, my husband is a
premature ejaculator!" is just a lot of twaddle and claptrap. You say it
enough and pretty soon, believe me, he won't be ejaculating at all.

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My boyfriend sometimes likes to put on makeup
and dress in women's underpants when we make love. Should I be
worried? -Amanda Stein, St. Albans, Vermont

Secretary Rumsfeld: I am not an expert in this area, but I will refer
this question to General Tommy Franks and have him get back to you.

Dear Sec Rumsfeld: My girlfriend wants me to make love *down there*.
What should I do?

Down there? What are you saying? Make love to her belly button? her
knees? her toes? In Boca Raton? Narrow your field of inquiry, my son.

An old man, a boy and a donkey

An old man, a boy and a donkey


An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to
town. The boy rode on the
donkey and the old man walked.
As they went
along they passed some people
who remarked it was a shame the old
man was walking and the boy
was riding. The man and boy thought
maybe the critics were right, so
they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked,
"What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both
would walk!

Soon they passed some
more people who thought they were
stupid to walk when they had a decent
donkey to ride. So,
they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that
shamed them by saying how awful to put
such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were
probably right, so they decided
to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost
their grip on the animal and he fell
into the river and drowned. The moral of the
story? If you try to please
everyone, you might as well
kiss your ass good-bye.

Redneck Timeout

Modern living

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...


1.  You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.


2.  You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 


3.  You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of  three.


4.  You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.          


5.  Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and  family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.           


6.  You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.


7.  Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.


8.  Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 


10.  You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.


11.  You start tilting your head sideways to smile.  : )


12.  You're reading this and nodding and laughing.           


13.  Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.


14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.


15.  You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Word definitions

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.
10 . LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.
12. PARADOX: Two physicians.
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.