The Rummy Show ;-)

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My wife and I are happily married, but the
spark seems to have gone out of our sex life. How can we spice it
up? -Harry Blumenthal, Bakersfield, California

Secretary Rumsfeld: There's no great mystery here, Harry. It can't be
that hard to understand. You get in there, you do your job, you develop
an exit strategy, and you get the heck out of there. That's the way sex
works. Why does everything have to be so difficult?

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My wife wants me to talk dirty when we make
love, but I've never been able to do it. Any advice? -Joel Brennan,
Syracuse, New York

Secretary Rumsfeld: Listen, anybody that can talk clean can talk dirty.
Dirty talk is just like normal talk, except dirty. Your wife wants dirty
talk, so give her dirty talk. Something like, "Those breasts are
first-rate," or "I am going to give you a darned good orgasm," or, if
she likes the rough stuff, "I'll tell you this, I am about to give you
the business and I don't want to hear any guff about it."

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: I keep reading about something called the
G-spot, but I can't seem to find it. Can you tell me where it
is? -Elizabeth Kaplan, Tacoma, Washington

Secretary Rumsfeld: I could tell you. But I'm not inclined to.

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: I'm thinking about trying a threesome, but I
don't know how to approach my girlfriend about it. Have you ever tried a
threesome? -Dave Barcott, Boulder, Colorado

Secretary Rumsfeld: Nice try, Dave. I can see what you're trying to do,
but you're going to have to do better than that. Donald Rumsfeld is not
going to be tricked into revealing something stupid about Donald
Rumsfeld and Mrs. Donald Rumsfeld by such a question. If I answer, then
someone will say, "Oh, goodness, the Rumsfelds are into threesomes," and
then it gets repeated and picked up, and then suddenly everybody's
talking about Donald Rumsfeld and Mrs. Donald Rumsfeld and threesomes,
and that's not what this is about. That said, bring it up in a very
loving way and let her choose the third party. Also, alcohol never
hurts.

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: If you have sex in a hot tub, can you get
pregnant? -Molly Chaplan, Toledo, Ohio

Secretary Rumsfeld: Good gosh. Okay, yes, yes, you can get pregnant from
having sex in a hot tub. In fact, you can't not get pregnant from having
sex in a hot tub, nor can you get pregnant without having sex in a hot
tub. I hope I've answered your question, Molly.

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My husband has a problem with premature
ejaculation. Is there something I could do to make him last
longer? -Ellen Shapiro, Knoxville, Tennessee

Secretary Rumsfeld: I'm just going to say this once. There is no such
thing as premature ejaculation. There is ejaculation, and there is
non-ejaculation. If your husband is ejaculating, then count your
blessings. Congratulations, you just had sex. That's what men do-they
ejaculate. All this business about, "Oh, henny penny, my husband is a
premature ejaculator!" is just a lot of twaddle and claptrap. You say it
enough and pretty soon, believe me, he won't be ejaculating at all.

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My boyfriend sometimes likes to put on makeup
and dress in women's underpants when we make love. Should I be
worried? -Amanda Stein, St. Albans, Vermont

Secretary Rumsfeld: I am not an expert in this area, but I will refer
this question to General Tommy Franks and have him get back to you.

Dear Sec Rumsfeld: My girlfriend wants me to make love *down there*.
What should I do?

Down there? What are you saying? Make love to her belly button? her
knees? her toes? In Boca Raton? Narrow your field of inquiry, my son.