Good luck in court

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. -- Norm Crosby

Knight-time

Once upon a time there were two mice who lived in a big museum. Every
night, when the place closed up tight, they used to play among the exhibits.
They crawled through the dinosaur skeletons, and they scampered over the
picture frames of the Monets and the Picassos, and they shuffled around the
relics taken from an Egyptian tomb.

One night, they were playing near a big, tall suit of armor. They climbed in
at the visor, but one of the mice slipped and fell --
tumbly-tumbly-kerplop -- all the way to the bottom of one leg. He was lost!
He was disoriented! He was frightened!

"Help!" he started to cry. "Help me make it through the knight!"

Fish??

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in Southern Louisiana recently with two
ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game
warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The Cajun
replied, "Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese are my pet fish.
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem
swim 'round for a while. I whistle and dey jump rat back into dem dere ice
chests and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de
truth ma' fren, I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious now. The Cajun
poured the fish in to the bayou and stood and waited. After several minutes,
the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the Cajun.
"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the Cajun asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" the Cajun asked.

The Good Old Days

How many do you remember?

1. Candy cigarettes.
2. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
3. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.
4. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes.
5. Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum.
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles,
with cardboard stoppers.
7. Party lines.
8. Newsreels before the movie.
9. P. F. Flyers.
10. Butch wax.
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix, (Drexel-5505).
12. Peashooters.
13. Howdy.
14. 45-RPM Records.
15. Green Stamps.
16. Hi-fi's.
17. Metal ice cube trays-with levers.
18. Mimeograph paper.
19. Blue flash Bulbs.
20. Beanie and Cecil.
21. Roller skate keys.
22. Cork pop guns.
23. Drive ins.
24. Studebakers.
25. Wash tub wringers.
26. The Fuller Brush man.
27. Reel-to-reel tape recorders.
28. Tinkertoys.
29. The Erector Set.
30. The Fort Apache Playset.
31. Lincoln Logs.
32. 15 cent McDonald hamburgers.
33. 5 cent packs of baseball cards...
with that awful pink slab bubblegum.
34. Penny candy.
35. 35 cent-a-gallon gasoline.

AND A TIME WHEN...

-Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
-Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "Do over!"
-"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
-Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
-It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
-The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
-Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
-A foot of snow was a dream come true.
-Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
-"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
-Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles.
-The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
-War was a card game.
-Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
-Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
-Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
-Most people that you met didn't have an angle.
-Taking someone's word was good enough.

Wonders of English!

SO, YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE TOUGH ENOUGH TO TRY TO LEARN ENGLISH?

This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave.
It was passed on by a linguist, original author unknown. Peruse at your
leisure, English lovers.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce
and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One
goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, are humanitarians cannibals?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy are opposites?
And if I'm uncouth, are you couth?

P.S.

1. Why doesn't Buick rhyme with quick?

2. Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway ?

3. Do the words "up" and "down" have opposite meanings ?
If so, then:
a. When approaching a stop sign, do you slow up or slow down?
b. When going to town, do you go downtown or uptown ?
c. Does a house burn up or burn down ?
d. If you write something down, then why do you call it a write-up ?

There's a lot of other examples, but this ol' brain has to slow up (or slow
down ?) as it's reached a mental block at this time :)

Donkey

A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite donkey, who was depressed,
so he put out a proclamation that he would pay anyone in the kingdom 200
gold pieces if they could make his donkey happy. Many tried, all failed.
Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey
was indeed happy - so happy in fact, that he was laughing heartily. The
jester got the gold, but a few days passed and the king couldn't make the
donkey stop laughing. So he put out another proclamation saying he would pay
500 gold pieces to anyone who could make the donkey stop.

The jester returned, went in to see the donkey for a few seconds, and when
he came out, the donkey was crying. The king asked the jester how he did it.
The jester said, "I will tell you for another 200 gold pieces."

When the jester had received his gold, he revealed, "On my first visit, I
told the donkey that my d!ck was bigger than his. This time I showed him."

DONKEY RAFFLE

A city boy, John, moved to the desert and bought a donkey from an
old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next
day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have
some bad news, the donkey died."

"Well, then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK, then, just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked, "Hey
John, what happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold five hundred tickets at two dollars a
piece and made a profit of $898.00"

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back

Gone Fishin'

A keen country lad started work as a salesman at the world's biggest
department store.
His first day was long and arduous, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The
boss duly confronted him and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish
hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a
small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he
was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need
a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty
foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably
wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold
him a new Range Rover."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that
to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife
and I said to him, "Since your weekend's fucked, you might as well go
fishing."

Baseball explained

A recent Scottish immigrant to the USA attends his first baseball game in
his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run!
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up
and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run
will ya!"
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with
his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk
the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the
surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan,
sensing his embarrassment, whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four
balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams,
"Walk with pr-r-ride man!"

Late Breaking News!

A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel,
where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. A
hundred lawyers were taken as hostages.

The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they
would release one lawyer every hour!

Faith

1. The best way to get even is to forget...
2. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to
death...
3. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts...
4. Some folks wear their halos much too tight...
5. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL
have to be maintained on earth...
6. Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5
days, then perhaps giving "advice" to God isn't
such a good idea!
7. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith
looks up...
8. Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous.
You will get knocked down by the traffic from both
ways.
9. Words are windows to the heart.
10. A skeptic is a person who when he sees the
handwriting on the wall, claims it's a forgery.
11. It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a
molehill; just add a little dirt.
12. A successful marriage isn't finding the right
person--it's being the right person.
13. The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that
held its ground.
14. Too many people offer God prayers, with claw
marks all over them.
15. The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few
people can hold it.
16. To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then
discover the prisoner was you.
17. You have to wonder about humans, they think God
is dead and Elvis is alive!
18. It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now
and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.
19. You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress
when it sticks out its neck...
20. If the grass is greener on the other side of the
fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.

And last but not least-God gave the angels wings,
and He gave humans CHOCOLATE.

"The shortest distance between a problem and a
solution is the distance between your knees and the
floor. The one who kneels to the Lord can stand up
to anything." You are richer today if you have
laughed, given or forgiven. "Each day comes bearing
its own gifts; untie the ribbon!"

Things could be worse!

A few days after George W. Bush's inauguration, a man came up to the Marine
on duty at the White House and said, "I'd like to see President Clinton."

The Marine proudly answered, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer President."

The man said, "Oh, okay," and walked away.

The next day the Marine was again on duty, and the same man approached and
again asked to see President Clinton.

The Marine again answered, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer President."

Again the man answered, "Oh, okay," and walked away.

The next day the same man approached the same Marine and again asked to see
President Clinton.

The Marine, a little annoyed by this time, said, "Sir, I've told you, Mr.
Clinton is no longer president. Don't you understand that?"

"Yes, I do," said the man, "but I just enjoy hearing it."

The Marine smiled and said, "See you tomorrow."

Optical Illusion

Redneck Wind Chimes

The Ass Family

Modern Work

Hearing Protection

Into the trenches, Prepared for gas warfare

The Genta Plane

Funny Signs!

Auto AC

REPAIRS CAN BE EXPENSIVE!!!!  

 
When the man at the auto repair shop told bubba that it would

cost $1400 to fix his car's air conditioning,

He just laughed at him and said, "I can

fix it myself for a whole lot less than that!
 
And that is EXACTLY what he did, Fixed it!

  Scroll down......

 

Medical Test

STARE INTO THE CAT'S EYES FOR 30 SECONDS




NOW SCROLL DOWN








THANK YOU


YOUR CAT -SCAN IS NOW COMPLETE





*That will be $1500 please

Leno, Letterman, and Conan, on the Election...

From the New York Times on-line:
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/11/12/weekinreview/12laugh.html?_r=1&oref=slogin
Laugh Lines: Jay Leno, David Letterman and Conan O'Brien
Published: November 12, 2006

JAY LENO

There was a big jump in oil prices over the weekend. ... The Republicans are
furious with the oil companies. They said: "You idiots. We said to wait
until after Tuesday."

The G.O.P. was concerned about Republican turnout. In fact, between the
Congressmen and the preachers, this could be the first year that more
Republicans came out than turned out.

Give you an idea what bad shape they are in. The only Republican with a
"mandate" is Congressman Mark Foley.

The good news. Now that the election is over ... if you want to hear an
annoying political speech you'll have to go to a Barbra Streisand concert.

DAVID LETTERMAN

And the new speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi ... She had lunch today with
President Bush, but the lunch, honestly, did not go well. She would not pass
him anything he asked for.

CONAN O'BRIEN

Senator Hillary Clinton's overwhelming victory has fueled speculation that
she will run for president in 2008. In other words, there was some good news
for Republicans.

Great Jack-O-Lanterns

Hospital

A  woman called a local hospital.

"Hello. Could you connect me  to the person who gives information about
patients.   I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing
as expected, or getting  worse.

"The voice on the other end said, "What is the  patient's name and room
number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room  302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A  Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the  condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let  me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very
well.  In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine.
She is to be taken off  the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if
she continues this  improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home
Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's  fantastic... that's
wonderful news!"

The nurse said,  "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family
member or a  very close friend!"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in  302.  Nobody here tells me shit."