Intimidating!

Haircut of the Year...

Coke or Water????

WATER

#1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.
(Likely applies to half the world population.)

#2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak
that it is mistaken for hunger.

#3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.

#4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs
for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of
Washington study.

#5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

#6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of
water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain
for up to 80% of sufferers.

#7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term
memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on
the computer screen or on a ! printed page.

#8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of
colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast
cancer by 79%., and one is 50% less likely to develop
bladder cancer. Are you drinking the amount of water
you should drink every day?

COKE

#1. In many states the highway patrol carries
two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from
the highway after a car accident.

#2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke
and it will be gone in two days.

#3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the
toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour,
then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes
stains from vitreous china.

#4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers:
Rub the bumper with a rumpled piece of Reynolds
Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

#5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour
a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble
away the corrosion.

#6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola
to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

#7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into
the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake.
Thirty minutes before ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the
drippings to mix
with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

#8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke
into the load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run
through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen
grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your
windshield.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION:

#1. the active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid.
It will dissolve a nail in about four days. Phosphoric
acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major
contributor to the rising increase of osteoporosis.

#2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup! (the concentrate) the
commercial trucks must use hazardous Material place
cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.

#3. The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean
engines of the trucks for about 20 years!

Now the question is, would you like a glass of water?

or Coke?

Amazing Photograph

The following is a picture taken of camels in the desert. It is considered one of the best pictures of the year (2005).  Look closely, the camels are the little white lines in the picture.  The black you see is just the shadows.   Taken from above.  

FIRST KISS

So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:

 
 
Is it the right time?
 
 
Is anyone watching?
 
 
Does your partner even want to?
 
 
Is your breath fresh?
 
 
And... Should you use some tongue?
 
 
Then you lean in and just go for it!!!

.

Tickle me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The PersonnelManager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday... "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Retirement

IT SOUNDS LIKE A TOUGH JOB, BUT SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes & no socks.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call exercise, concentration and work?
Answer: Golf.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's a Retirees idea of a perfect retirement?
Answer: When the wife still brings in a paycheck!

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I'm sure they can
relate, AND ... if you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to!!!

The Blonde Space Program

Today in Washington, at a high-level meeting of all the world's space
agencies, representatives gathered to discuss and coordinate plans for
continued manned exploration of our solar system.

The representative from the United States' space agency, NASA, discussed
America's plans to send a manned mission to Mars and set up a base there
within the next twenty years.

The representative from the Russian space agency proposed sending a mission
to Titan, a somewhat proto-earthlike moon of Saturn (either that or Triton,
a moon of Neptune; they hadn't finalized plans yet.)

The representative from Japan's agency JAXA proposed building a space colony
in the asteroid belt to exploit its tremendous mineral resources, while ESA,
Europe's space agency, wanted to set up a base on Mercury because they
thought they'd enjoy all that sunshine (ouch!)

After China proposed running a cable to the moon, to harness its
solar-collecting power...

Finally, the representative from the Blonde Space Agency delineated their
plans to send a manned mission to the SUN!

The other delegates looked at her simply aghast! "You'll be burned up!",
they exclaimed.

She just looked at them smugly, "No, we won't", she said. "We're going to
send them at night <smirk>."

Wife is Expecting

Here is an old joke my Dad told me many years ago:

There was a young private in the army, and on Friday he went to ask his
Sarge for a weekend pass, to go visit his wife. He said, "She's expecting",
so the sergeant gave him leave.

The following weekend, the Private again says, "Sarge, can I have a weekend
pass? My wife's expecting." Sarge again says okay.

And again the following weekend, same story again.

Finally, after a month of weekend leaves, when the young private again
approaches his sergeant for a weekend leave, and Sarge asks why...

Of course: "She's expecting". Sarge has had too much and blows up, "WHAT is
your wife expecting exactly?!"

Private: "Well, ME, of course."

Dating Motorcycles

Heard a radio DJ quip: "I keep seeing all these bumper stickers that say "Start Seeing Motorcycles"
So, I thought bout it, and... I have a date with a one this Saturday."

The Donald

Donald Trump is coming out with his own brand of vodka.
It's REALLY STRONG STUFF!

Turns out that it's the same stuff his barber has been drinking before
cutting The Donald's hair. ;-)

New Supermarket

The new Supermarket near our house has an  automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before  it
goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and  the
smell of fresh rain.

When you approach  the milk cases, you hear cows
mooing and there is a scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck
and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing  aroma
of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie  department features the smell of fresh
buttered  corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any  more.

YOUR HOUSE...

...As seen by

Yourself


Your Lender


Your Buyer


Your Appraiser


Your Tax Assessor

Extreme Redneck

                      You are an extreme redneck when:

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.



Bonus Comment:


An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

Pecans In The Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan
tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled
up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight,
and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one
boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he
passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode
off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,
hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I
heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up
the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to
walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the
cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one
for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they
peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the
Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead
of the boy on the bike.

Tech Support

(Still funny!)






Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....


===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: @&nbs?#* ... Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates!

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it...

===============

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Oh....................thank you.

===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter "V" as in Victor, then the number "7".
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

===============

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.


===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine..

===============

And last but not least...

Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT

Biker and His Babe

This is for all the people who head south or southwest for the winter.  Someday this may be YOU!

Blonde's Answer on Geometry Test

Silly Geese

Have you ever wondered why, when a flock of geese is migrating in "V" formation, one side of the V is longer
than the other? There is actually a good reason for this phenomenon. Do you want to know why one side is longer than the other? Then scroll down...
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It's because there are more geese on the longer side.