Lawyers

Q: What happens if you give Viagra to a lawyer?
.
.
.
(scroll down)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A: He gets taller!

Things to know about

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that
everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door
opener. Now everyone thinks that I'm cool, too.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer
cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have
something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it,
"Pumping Rust".

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease.... that's when your chest is
falling into your drawers!

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you
got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an
emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do . . . write to these people? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mail carriers could look for them
while they delivered the mail?

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use, the bubbles are
always white?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give
their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup
is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when
we complained about the heat?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

How come we never hear any "father-in-law" jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife
told you to?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep
wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly
ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as
they get older.  Then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their finals. As
for me, I'm just hoping God grades on a curve rather than pass/fail.

Things To Ponder

Here are a few interesting things to think about.
 

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a
"penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
 

What disease did cured ham actually have?
 

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on
luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
like every two hours?
 

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't
he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the
window?

Health Insurance Explained

MEDICAL INSURANCE EXPLAINED (Research done by the AARP Legal Department)
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back
to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a
patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.
---------------------------------------------
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with
a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer
participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and
accepting new patients has an office just a half a day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.
---------------------------------------------
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
---------------------------------------------
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
---------------------------------------------
Q What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
---------------------------------------------
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I
tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
---------------------------------------------
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.
---------------------------------------------
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general
practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment,
there's no harm in giving it a shot.
--------------------------------------------
Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Games for when we're older

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.


7. Simon says something incoherent.


8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.




SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:



1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.



2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.



3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.



OLD IS WHEN:


1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.



2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.



3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.



4. Get ting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.



5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!




Thoughts for the weekend


I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!



When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."


Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?


Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.



My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.


Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.


If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!


Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.



But Most Of All, Remember !


A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

Men are happier

Men Are Just Happier people  -

What do you expect when:

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your underwear is $1.99 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.

No wonder men are happier

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy
reading it.

Blonde's Puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.  I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.  She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.  Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..."

He sighed......... "Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the
box."

Gripe Sheet

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet"which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems and document their repairs on the form and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight. 

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is
the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last:
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

The driver

A limo driver, after getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the
limo (and he doesn't travel light), notices that the Pope is still standing
on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at
the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today"
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that.  I'd lose my job! What if something
should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that
morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
 

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
wheel.  The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the
Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
 

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope
keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the
cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the
radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on
the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and
five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Senator?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's Jesus!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's Jesus?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

Gotta Love The Irish

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a
parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and
give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the
wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
heaven?

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd
been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to
bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood
from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand, my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic
cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and
shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done
this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over
to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have
you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff
one - just had another fight with the little woman."

Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken shit".

Political quiz

Here's an online political quiz that you should try. It takes less
than a minute, but it will help you look at politics in a whole new
Way. It's the World's Smallest Political Quiz at:

World's Smallest Political Quiz

You'll be asked just 10 questions, and then it instantly tells you
where you stand politically. It shows your position as a red dot
on a "political map" so you'll see exactly where you score.
The most interesting thing about the Quiz is that it goes beyond the
Democrat, Republican, Independent labels.

The Quiz has gotten a lot of praise. The Washington Post said it has
"gained respect as a valid measure of a person's political leanings."

The Fraser Institute said it's "a fast, fun, and accurate assessment
of a person's overall political views."

Suite University said it is the "most concise and accurate political quiz out there."

See if you land where you think you are politically.

A FABULOUS time saver!

You know how most programs on TV have closed captions for hearing-impaired
people, right? And perhaps you are aware that many programs, especially on
PBS, have a second audio track that you can tune in to that has a narrator
describing the action of the program for visually-impaired folks. So if you
read the closed captions (so that you don't have to listen to a program), and
at the same time listen to the narrator describe the action (so that you don't have to watch the
show), then *voila* -- You don't have to either listen to OR watch the
program! Save a tremendous amount of time there. Trust me, it works. :+)

The Crustaceous Era

Ahh, the Crustaceous Era, 150 bazillion years ago, when fried chickens
walked the Earth, and yet these mighty beasts feared the mightiest predator
of them all... THE COLONEL!, who could slay them and serve them up at $4.95
a serving. Thus were those fearsome monsters brought low... and rendered
tasty.