One fictional man's futile search for work

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6 am.
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking,
He shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG)
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA),
Designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE)
And tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA)
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA)
He sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he
could spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA)
He got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY)
Filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia)
And continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day and after
Checking his computer (made in MALAYSIA), John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL),
Poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE)
And turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA),
And then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA
AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT MADE IN KENYA.
From The Political Commentator, written by Michael Haltman

Daffynition

What do you call a pachyderm who plies you with twisted flattery?
||
||
||
||
||
||
Answer: A sickophant

Stupidest jokes ever

"What's green with wheels? Grass. We lied about the wheels part."
"How are a mole and a nickel alike? They both live underground, except
the nickel."
"A duck walks into a bar. The bartender asks 'What would you like?' The
duck doesn't say anything, because ducks can't talk."
"A man walks ...into a bar. But it's the hard, metal type, so it hurt."
"what did one lawyer say to the other lawyer? we are both lawyers"
"How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her"
"roses are red,
violets are blue,
...i have a gun, get in the van"

Pippi Longstocking -- "You and I are a lot alike. We're both ugly. Except me."

Creation Story

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated
the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy
lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!"  And Woman said, "And as long as you're at it, add some
sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure
that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat,
and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to
size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the
side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained
more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food
Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it
"Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose
those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man
would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent
double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"
And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.



Thought for the day ......

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely
no recollection of what to do with them. If you don't send this to five
old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the
world.