Cat Haiku (for ~GAB~)

from: Cat Haiku


Negotiating
No-man's land: carpet alive,
Flea season again


I need a new toy.
tail of black dog keeps good time.
pounce! good dog! good dog!


The rule for today
Touch my tail, I shred your hand
New rule tomorrow


In deep sleep hear sound
cat vomit hairball somewhere
will find in morning


Cat, fearless hunter
leaves 'presents' for me near door
next time I'll wear shoes


Grace personified,
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.


Night. Now come night-mice.
I chase them 'round on loud feet.
You can't see them too?


Blur of motion, then --
silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?


You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.


The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds --
Your foot just squashed one


You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
elevator butt.


You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore me
sitting on your hands.


My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
can just hide my head.


Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper'?


Kitty likes plastic
Confuses for litter box
Don't leave tarp around


Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner


Want to trim my claws?
Don't even think about it!
My yelps will wake dead.


I want to be close
To you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?


Wanna go outside.
Oh, shit! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!


Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!


Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp ...


Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!"


Litter box not here
You must have moved it again
I'll crap in the sink.


The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey"


We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?

More Cat-o-mania!

1 - Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to
remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside
force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby
scurrying mouse.

2 - Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a
straight line, unless there is a really good reason
to change direction.

3 - Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and
black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion
to the darkness of the fabric.

4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a
warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat;
all heat flows to the cat.

5 - Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a
distance proportional to the length of the nap just
taken.

6 - Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with
people whenever possible, in a position as
uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible
for the cat.

7 - Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make its body
long enough to reach just about any countertop, that
has anything remotely interesting on it.

8 - Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate
at a constant speed, until it gets good and ready to
stop.

9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must
attend all meals when anything good is served.

10 - Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in
its naturally flat state for very long.

11 - Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat's
resistance varies in direct proportion to a human's
desire for it to do something.

12 - First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know
that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and
will therefore use as little energy as possible.

13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also
know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of
napping.

14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat
watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come
along and take out something good to eat.

15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an
electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the
speed of light.

16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will
always seek, and usually take over, the most
comfortable spot in any given room.

17- Law of Bag / Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes
in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest
possible nanosecond.

18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat's irritation
rises in direct proportion to its embarrassment times
the amount of human laughter.

19 - Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink its
weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

20 - Law of Furniture Replacement: A cats desire to
scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost
of the furniture.

21 - Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in
the softest place possible.

22 - Law of Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in
milk will displace its own volume, minus the amount of
milk consumed.

23 - Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat's interest level
will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of
effort a human expends in trying to interest him
(including laser light toys).

24 - Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat
has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

25 - Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of
Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

26 - Law of Selective Listening: Although a cat can
hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, it can't
hear a simple command three feet away.

27 - Law of Equidistant Separation: All cats in a
given room will locate at points equidistant from each
other, and equidistant from the centre of the room.

28 - Law of Cat Invisibility: Cats think that if
they can't see you, then you can't see them.

29 - Law of Space-Time Continuum: Given enough
time, a cat will land in just about any space.

30 - Law of Concentration of Mass: A cat's mass
increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the
lap it occupies.

31 - Law of Cat Probability (Uncertainty Principle):
It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is,
only the probability of where it "might" be. (Schrodinger was onto something here.)

32 - Law of Cat Obedience: As yet undiscovered.

33 - Law of Bed Making: Sheets cannot be changed
without cat between sheet and mattress, sheet and
sheet, sheet and blankets, in order to check for monsters
within.

Politically Correct Terms for Cat Owners

My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.


My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.


My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.


My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.


My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.


My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.


My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile", she enjoys the proximity of food.


My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.


My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.


My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.


My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.


My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.


My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.


My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (which should always be the food dish).

California

California -156 years ago!

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in
California?

California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today except the women
had real breasts and men didn't hold hands.

If I were a Car

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR


If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.


My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.




My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.




It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.




My fuel rate burns inefficiently.




But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Funny old lady

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


MORAL:

Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies